How You Can Stop Dating Total A**holes4 Flares 4 Flares ×
Would you like to stop dating total jerks, or women who aren’t don’t appreciate you?
It’s possible. There is a key to finding better lovers, it is very simple, and it’s the same for both men & women.
Today, I’ll share the key.
Before we get to the key, I’ve got a question for you:
Do you know people who are in “dating purgatory”?
These are the women who can’t seem to stop dating asshole guys: guys who never call or text, can’t (or won’t) commit, and generally avoid even discussing marriage or co-habitation or “getting serious” of any type. . .
(I’ve got a confession to make: I was one of those a**hole guys once. So I know exactly what’s going on in their heads. Below, I’ll share that.)
If we’re talking about men, you probably know guys who can’t seem to find a steady girlfriend. . . a girl who will appreciate them . . . a girl who will treat them with the respect you know they deserve.
Instead, she will treat him poorly . . . sleep around on him. . . flirt with other guys in front of him. . . and be generally disrespectful.
You probably know someone like this. (And, after you read this article, you might want to send it their way.)
So why does this happen?
Below, I reveal both why it happens, and — more importantly — how to fix it.
WHY DO PEOPLE GET STUCK IN DATING PURGATORY?
The reason people get stuck dating the same person, month in and year out — “The faces in certain places may be different, but the situation is the same” (Donald Miller) — is because of attraction schemas.
We all have attraction schemas. You might call them our “love maps”, and they determine who we find attractive.
It shouldn’t surprise you to learn that these attraction schemas / love maps are based on our parents.
Our intimate relationships become our way of re-working our relationships with our parents. . . and all that that implies.
I’ll just mention a couple scenarios, to get your wheels turning:
- Dad abandoned me
- Mom smothered me
- Dad hit me
- Mom molested me
Think about how those autobiographical scenarios, turned into dating or relationship scenarios, are likely to play out.
We all start out wounded by what happened to us growing up. . . and as adults, we attract that exact woundedness right to us, like a magnet.
We can never get enough of what we really don’t want, to paraphrase Eric Hoffer. [tweetherder]Show me who someone is sleeping with, and I’ll show you what they think of themselves.[/tweetherder]
That’s why people get stuck in dating purgatory: they are stuck in their schemas.
WHAT THE A**HOLE IS THINKING
Up above, I promised I’d tell you what was going through my head, when I was being the a**hole guy who wouldn’t commit.
The truth is, I was f***ing terrified.
There was a voice in my head saying, “You don’t deserve happiness. You don’t deserve a committed girlfriend. You don’t deserve boundless love.”
And, I didn’t love myself at that time. I didn’t even like myself very much.
It took a long time for that to change for me.
And the women I was with during that time? Their inner voices matched mine, because they made the decision to stay with me, day in and day out.
HOW TO ESCAPE DATING PURGATORY. . . PERMANENTLY
We all want to be able to choose our partners. But it turns out, the only way to choose our partners is to choose ourselves first.
To escape dating purgatory and transcend your old wounded patterns, you’re going to have to start loving yourself, and forgiving yourself.
You’re going to get up every morning, look at yourself in the mirror, and say, “I completely love and accept myself, just as I am today. Not tomorrow, not after the next promotion, not after I lose 5 pounds, now.”
You have to learn to be your own ideal partner. You are the only person who is going to stay with you for the rest of your life, no matter what.
You need to nurture yourself, care for yourself, coddle yourself, and give yourself everything that you missed out on growing up.
If you can do that, consistently, you can escape relationship purgatory.
Yes, therapy might help. Yes, you can do all kinds of self-work.
Ultimately, all of that leads to the key action you need to take, which you can take without any help, & without spending any money, and that key action is: love and forgive yourself, every day.
Many people will want to make it more complicated than that, but it’s not.
It’s that simple. And it does work.
(Do you know somebody who needs to read this? Use the “email” button bellow, where it says “Spread the love“.)
Image by Dustin Diaz